Life is the Room
by Dildeto
Summary: After the events of the game, Max and Chloe take a long drive and find themselves in a cozy apartment in San Francisco. Will they get along with the eccentric Johnny and find a new home here? Written by me and my friend Crownless, who lacks an account. Should be updated soon.
1. Chloe Files a Tax Return

It was an average day in San Francisco as a rusty truck drove towards a peaceful apartment complex. It looked like some white trash bullshit, and it also was. "Well Max, here we are," Chloe said as she parked next to an apartment building that was way too nice looking for her to live in let alone afford. She ran over a mailbox and a small dog in addition to somehow taking up 5 parking spots. This was physically impossible, but neither of them pointed this out.

"Wait Chloe, we're not gonna break into someone's apartment again are we?" Max whined as she wiped copious amounts of sweat off her forehead. It was worth noting that both of them haven't bathed since leaving Arcadia Bay, and to make things worse Chloe's dump truck had no A/C and it was a really hot day in San Francisco. Basically, they looked and smelled like shit, which is nothing new for Chloe.

"Hella yes we are, Max. Stop being such a pussy. First you prevent me from stealing hella cash from charity, and now you are whining about this?" Chloe bitched like the bitch she is.

Max shuffled nervously. "Sorry Chloe, I did not mean to be a pussy. Let us wowser into this apartment posthaste!"

They opened the suspiciously unlocked door to the apartment and walked right into the living room. It was a cozy red room adorned by framed photos of spoons. It appeared as if no one was home, which made Max feel a little uneasy. But not Chloe since she takes everything, including Max, for granted. "Chloe, can't you hear that music playing upstairs? I think the people here are still home," Max said with a nervous tone. Chloe was not listening however, she was too busy "shaka-bra-ing" all over the couch.

Unfortunately for Chloe but nobody else in the entire universe, Chloe moshed too hard. She fell forward, smashing her head against the coffee table. Her head cracked open, getting blood and brains all over the cute fruit arrangement that had been set out on the table.

"Aw wowsers, well, looks like I better rewind to make Chloe not dead again," Max said to herself. She extended her arm and rewound time. At first she did not rewind it far enough and Chloe splattered her head everywhere once more. The seventeenth time she got it right, and decided she better warn Chloe. It would be rude to get blood all over someone's table, after all. "Chloe, stop doing that. Let's go investigate where the music is coming from."

"No Max, I am having a hella amazeballs time on this sofa," Chloe replied, oblivious to how close she was to death. Max sighed as fate took its course again, and rewound the event a few times for good measure and her own pleasure. Seventeen just wasn't quite enough.

"OK Chloe, I watched you die like, a lot of times. Please investigate this apartment with me now to not die," Max replied bluntly.

Instead of questioning why her friend would let her die like a lot of times like a normal person, Chloe mopily got down off the couch. "God Max, you're such a buzzkill like all the time. Like whenever you did not let me steal money from handicapped people."

"I'm sorry about that, Chloe. I know you could have used that money to pay off Frank. Anyway, we need to look around," Max said. She went up the spiral staircase by the wall, and Chloe soon followed.

Max noticed light coming from a small closet near the master bedroom, and peeked inside. She saw a young man sitting behind a group of monitors displaying different areas in and around the apartment. He was focused on said master bedroom, wiener in hand.

"Um, what the hella is this?" Chloe asked as she joined Max in the closet. "This kid is like a mini step-douche."

The young man quickly spun around in surprise, still jerkin' his gherkin, but soon relaxed as if this were a normal occurrence and went back to casually tugging on his frank and beans. "I just like to watch those guys," he stated matter-of-factly, "I've actually been watching them continuously for about two months now. You guys should-"

Max and Chloe came out of the closet, literally and metaphorically, without even bothering to see what was on the monitor he was paying attention to. Denny shrugged and turned back around to continue polishing his knob in peace.

Chloe pushed open the door to the master bedroom, and was completely unprepared for the sight that lay before her. She of course knew about various forms of penetration, however the sight of belly-button penetration was unbeknownst to her. While still just as shocked, Max snapped a quick photo to later use in her art project. The two star-crossed lovers engaged on the bed were still oblivious to the presence of the two art school rejects who had just entered the room.

Sounds of what could only be described as the most sensual music serenaded the room from the stereo atop the dresser. Chloe made a face of disgust and plugged her ears despite previously dancing and killing herself to this song. From downstairs, it sounded to her like the usual indie music crap she liked so much since it was muffled. Now that she could hear it, she felt lied to and betrayed.

Since her music taste was too underground to be on the radio, she turned off the stereo in the room and played her favorite hipster garbage music she likes really loud on her phone. The man continued the ol' innie-outie in-out on the woman's belly button despite the abrupt music change. As the only person with good music taste in the room, the lady stopped in disgust and looked up. "Johnny, who are those people?"

The man tried to keep thrusting into her belly button, but gave up when she stood up to stare at their new guests. His long black hair flowed over his shoulders beautifully, and Chloe found herself captivated by his firm ass cheeks.

"Hey guys, you know what they say, two's great, but four is a crowd," Johnny informed them with a laugh. Chloe fancied it to be a charming laugh, but Max was unsure if this man should be trusted.


	2. Max Falls Up a Down Escalator

Lisa and Chloe were getting along famously. They already secretly slept with each other twelve times behind Johnny's back and somehow all in the span of a day. Chloe was not very good at sex, actually. Lisa made up for it with her expertise in sex, which she dubbed sexpertise. Her standards were low after dealing with belly button sex for so long, but she was still a big cheating slut.

"Wowser, that was some hella sex," Chloe whispered into Lisa's ear after another brief lovemaking session. Max was downstairs looking at spoon photos with Johnny, so they had sneaked up to the bedroom together.

The two froze after a scruffy man strode into the room. He stared like a confused puppy at their naked bodies pressed together for a few moments before breaking the silence. "C'mon guys, what is this? What's going on here? I don't understand." Mark said with an oblivious smile on his face. "Anyway, Johnny wants to talk to Lisa downstairs. He sent me because he was showing Max some of his artyworks."

He turned and went back downstairs without saying another word.

Lisa got up and put her clothes back on, prompting Chloe to do the same. She snooped through Johnny's stuff in the bedroom before finding her clothes like the nosy cunt she is, just like Max. Unfortunately for Johnny, this led to her finding his gun. Looking over to make sure Lisa wasn't watching, Chloe quietly slipped the gun into the back of her pants. It stuck out noticeably, but Lisa wasn't looking at Chloe's ass. Not anymore.

They made their way downstairs where Max and Johnny were bonding. "Here a special picture passed down in family," Johnny was telling her. They were looking at a tasteful picture of a spoon over a red background. Max was impressed with the composition of the photo and was talking about some technical details of photography. Nobody but her gave a fuck, because photography is art for rich assholes with no talent.

Chloe and Lisa now noticed that Mark was dressed in a nice tuxedo. Before they could ask why he was dressed so formally, Johnny answered their unspoken questions.

"Haha, haven't you guys ever play football before? Geez, go upstairs, get dressed. I have a good clothes for Chloe on my dresser," he informed the group, gesturing strangely toward the stairs with his arms.

* * *

Everyone was dressed nicely to play some football. Max and Lisa wore elaborate ball gowns adorned with jewels, and the men in matching tuxedos. Chloe wore Lisa's prized clown suit, which fit her perfectly. She even fit into the rainbow afro wig and big red nose, which miraculously made her look less like a tool.

Johnny surveyed the group, smiling at how great everyone looked. "Looking good, Mark. Wow, we look ready to foot some ball, ah ha ha ha. Very sexy." He led everyone out the front door, football in hand. It had glitter and macaroni noodles glued to it, because he told Denny to make it like "real nice haha". Soon enough, everyone was tossing the football around like that stupid cheater Tom Brady.

Johnny was doing quite well in catching the football, but threw it too hard to Chloe before too long. Max could see something was about to go horribly wrong, but was too late in shouting a warning to her. The macaroni-encrusted football connected hard with Chloe's face, the glitter acting like sandpaper and tearing the flesh clean off of her entire head. The shards of macaroni noodles shot through her face like a knife through butter.

"Oh no, what have I doing?!" Johnny screamed to the heavens. "My ball just tear her apart!"

Mark glared at Johnny with conviction in his eyes. "You motherfucker, you killed her is what you did! She is dead now! No longer alive! Horrible! Dead!" Mark proceeded to shove Johnny to the ground. "What do you have to say for yourself, huh?! HUH?!"

Johnny got up and squared up to Mark. "I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bullshit…" his voice trailed off as tears streamed from his eyes. While one would assume Johnny was crying due to intense guilt, he was actually crying only because he really hurt his tushy on the ground.

Lisa was cradling Chloe's remains, making a frowny face. "Aw shucks, this is no good." A single slutty tear ran down her slutty face ruining her slutty make-up.

Max finally snapped out of her stupor and reversed time. She replayed the spectacle over and over a few dozen times, probably out of shock. Finally, she got the balls to warn Chloe so she wouldn't die yet again.

This time, Chloe ducked out of the way. Unfortunately, the deathball made contact with the back of Alyssa's fat emo head while she was in the middle of writing her lewd Sasunaru fanfic. Her fat emo bitchiness could not save her, and she died instantly. Not a trace of her was left behind, only a sizable crater.

Johnny stared at the carnage that he wrought to what he thought was a patch of dirt. "Ha ha ha, oopsy, I'm soooo sorry dirt please do not have cow please." He didn't even realize that was in fact not a patch of dirt, but what could loosely be described as a "person". But that was okay because nothing of value was lost.

Chloe had urinated herself, tarnishing Lisa's favorite clown outfit. "I didn't need your hella help, Maxi-pad. I could have caught that."

Max started crying. "I saved your life, Chloe! I saw you get your face ripped off over and over and over and over and over and over and over! It was so wowser!"

Johnny noticed Max bawling her theoretical dick off and went over to comfort her. "That no good, we should go back home now." He draped his arm protectively around her and led the group back to his apartment.

* * *

Johnny barged in the front door of his apartment since it was unlocked like always, and was treated to a horrific scene. Chris R. and Frank Bowers had seemingly teamed up, and were both holding Denny hostage at gunpoint.

"WHERE'S MY FUCKIN' MONEY DENNY?!" Both screamed in unison.


End file.
